Coping With Teenagers - Parenting Put To The Test

Your sweet, little, controllable children have turned into big, clumsy, sloppy, absent-minded, moody and temperamental monsters... what the hell happened?

You thought you'd got past the hard part of raising children - they don't keep you awake with their crying anymore, they sleep when they're tired, and they don't demand "all" your attention because they can play happily even when alone.

Then one day they reach puberty, and you've got to get all the parenting books back off the shelf and re-evaluate everything you thought you knew about raising children.

Now you can't sleep at night because they're still out at a party and you're worrying if they're going to get home safely, and hopefully they don't get too drunk or mix with the wrong people, and will they be too tired to get up tomorrow and maybe you should have made them stay home, and maybe not, because that would have caused another argument and messed up the whole week and anyway, they need to learn to take responsibility for their own actions, but you're still the parent and they're still your children, and god! the years go so quickly they'll be leaving home before you know it and you don't get enough time with them as it is and, and......

It's puberty! It's the hormones! It's just a phase! You were the same when you were a teenager!

All true - mostly. But some teenagers are more susceptible to the effects of their changing bodies than others. These changes affect the physical, mental and emotional states of a child all at the same time and the extent of the effect is dependent on the child's personality and the circumstances of his or her environment.

The trouble with being a parent to a teenager, is that we can't really remember being a teenager ourselves. We may remember that we had no problems, or that we were terrible kids for our parents; but we don't really remember how we "felt" ! And because of this, we can't really "feel" with our teenage children.

The trouble with being a teenager is "feeling too much"!

Imagine the sudden realization - and it is relatively sudden - that you are an individual in a world of millions of individuals, and that there's a whole world out there that you've got to go out into soon and survive; and you can only really rely on yourself because your parents are not so great as you thought they were. And who are you yourself anyway? Are you good enough, cool enough, smart enough, trendy enough, funny enough, brave enough, popular enough for people to like you and be your friend?

And who are your friends? Who aren't your friends? And why is everyone telling you what to do and what to be, when you don't know yourself, and don't want to think about just yet, and you just want to be left alone to sort things out in your own time and have some fun, because that 's what life's about, and why all the rush and pressure, and grown-ups just don't understand because they've forgotton what it's like to be young...or they're just jealous because their lives are just boring and you don't want to grow up like that.....

Just take a minute to think about all the things you considered important when you were young, things that you can laugh about now because you know they're not that important. Things like: what you did to impress your friends, or a particular girl or guy; the clothes you thought you looked good in; the things you said that you thought made sense; the choices you made because you thought you knew it all...

Add to that the things you consider important now, things that you are sensitive to, things that delight you or annoy you, bore you or enrage you, or stir your positive and negative emotions so much that you react heavily to...

Now subtract your years of life experience and insight and wisdom, then multiply by constant pressure from everyone around you to conform to their idea of who you should be and what you should do.... then finally add a good heavy dose of chemicals to upset the balance of your mind and alter your body so much that you don't recognize, or even like, the person in the mirror, and you have to get used to a new way of moving that body.

Then, while you are struggling to understand all this, and give some meaning to every fibre of your existence and identity - which is of paramount importance - someone asks you, for the hundredth time, to tidy up your room, and do your homework and take the garbage out and turn the music down and learn better and sit up straight and don't gobble your food down and comb your hair and can't you dress a little smarter.....blah, blah, blah...

That's a bit what it's like to be a teenager.

You think you have problems with teenagers? Think about the problems teenagers have with themselves, and everyone else; now who can they really turn to? You?

Parents have to take a step back and really look hard at themselves if they want to continue parenting their teenage children. Dealing with parent/teenager conflicts is no different than dealing with any other conflict with humans - whether among spouses, friends, employers, collegues, neighbors, authorities... even countries.

Conflict arises out of a difference in interests. Simple - you want one thing, the other party wants something else. What a bunch of self-minded, self-centered creatures we humans are! But that's the situation, and we have to live with it , and find ways to compromise and resolve the conflicts to any extent we can.

Teenagers are individual adults with their own views, own ideas, and own voice - and they have as much right as we do to promote and attain their interests. Parents need to constantly remind themselves that they don't own their children anymore, and if they want to continue parenting with any effect, then they have to accept a new parent "role".

You are not the protector anymore, nor the leader... you are now a mentor, an inspirator, and a provider of emotional, intellectual and financial support, for your child to turn to and rely on when needed... and not before. You are a safety-net, and if teenagers know this, then they'll not see you as something to rebel against, and be more apt to use your support.

It's not easy to play this role. We are so used to being responsible for every facet of our child's life, and being able to adapt it to fit in with our life "style", that having a teenager in the house is like setting up house all over again, but with someone you don't really know that well. You could argue that because you pay the rent, then you make the rules - but that is pretty much a dictatorship in the eyes of the teenager, inciting either rebellion or submission. Is that how you want to help your child prepare for the big, real world?

All teenagers have to deal with changes - some can handle it, some can't. There are so many factors involved that it's impossible to compare any situation, or child with another. Remember, it's about different personalities all learning to live together. Personalities clash and battle: siblings battle; parents and children battle; friends battle; lovers battle; spouses battle; peer and interest groups battle, tribes battle; countries battle... all trying to protect their interests while learning to live together.

Teenagers are busy defining their own interests, but they are doing it in a setting where other interests are already strongly established - the interests of the family, of the parents, of the school, of the "system". Some level of conflict is inevitable.

Most teenagers will sail through this period relatively smoothly - learning to understand their situation, and adapting themselves to fit in where and when necessary, while adopting the interests of others as equal to their own. But other teenagers may not have it so easy. Problems with the home situation, personal traumas, weak self-image, influence from strong peer-groups, uncertain sexual identity, fear of not being part of "their" crowd, influence of drink and drugs... all these factors can be a reason for teenagers to distance themselves even more from the accepted "norm".

And if these factors are not dealt with, the teenager can spiral negatively towards any number of serious mental, emotional or behavioral disorders.

We can lament the passing of "the good old days" of strong family values, or the small, safe village communities, or the binding effects of our religions; but the world is developing, as it always was and will, and we have to try harder to live with each other as we all embrace our spirit of individuality. We can't force our teenagers to conform any more, we can't force each other to conform any more - and we don't want to either... do we? But how do we maintain order in our household, in our family, in our relationship with our teenagers without making them conform? How do we settle conflicts before they get too out of hand... and how do we regain a positive relationship with our children when they are so distant from us that they have become strangers?

How do you go about coping with teenagers who are coping with parents trying to cope with teenagers? I don't have all the answers, no-one has all the answers, but I do have a point to make, based on my personal understanding of my role as father to a teenager.

This is a plea to parents - a plea for teenagers. Ask yourself some questions:

• What is your role as parent to a teenager?
• What do you want for your child?
• What do you expect from your child... and why?
• What do you have the right to expect... and why?
• What is more important to you: your role as parent, or your teenager's role as your child?
• What do you respect more: your child's readiness to conform, or his/her developing individuality?
• What's easier for you: telling your child what to do and how to do it, or listening to your child's own needs and wants?
• What do you want for yourself: easy parenting, or the responsibility to take every necessary step to ensuring your child's successful growth towards a happy and fruitful experience of adulthood?

We need to talk with our teenagers, not at them. We need to let them know we are there for them, and invite them to trust us and have confidence in us, and make use of our experiences, our successes and our failures. We need to respect what they are going through and let them know that we respect them.

We have to let them know who we are, and how we see our parental role and responsibilities, so that they can understand that we aren't just meddling but taking our responsibilities seriously - by opening up to them, they can be more comfortable opening up to us.

If they have problems, we need to make it our priority to help them to work them out. And we have to be first and foremost an inspiring example.

It's not always easy being a teenager!

It's not always easy being a parent to a teenager.

But it is a very crucial period in both our lives. We know they are coming to the end of the cycle of childhood, and if all goes well (and we hope it does), they will soon be leaving the nest (and we hope they do!).

We should have been lengthening the leash that has kept them close and safe by us for some time now, ready to let go  when the pull of independence is stronger than the child's need for the home. It's a moment that we anticipate with both pride and pain, and it's tempting to hold that leash just a little too tight, just when we should be letting it glide loosely from our grip.

Our little child is gone, never to return... and niether can we return to those innocent years.

If we've done our job well, the sorrow of losing our children to adulthood will be sweet sorrow. If, however, we are living with conflict in the home, fighting with our teenagers over different values, battling for our personal standpoints, and using our parental role to enforce our authority... then we may lose our children to more than adulthood - we may lose them altogether.

And if we don't solve our differences now, we may miss our last chance.